He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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