I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
