Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
