i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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