If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Randomize
