I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
