Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
