I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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