Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
