I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
