it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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