Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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