I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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