I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
