can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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