One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
