i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize
