Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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