Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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