you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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