I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
