No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
