I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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