Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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