i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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