I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
