Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
