Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
