woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
