I'm so fucking centered right now
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize