remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
