I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
