Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
