My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
