I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So gin and wine won't be happening again
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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