if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
