nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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