no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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