is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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