so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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