CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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