my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
