Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
