I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I think my vagina is haunted
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
