i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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