I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
