Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
this boner is exhausting
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
