Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
