Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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