A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
